Monday, July 10, 2006

I wondered why my Deadwood dvds were only four minutes long.

As much as I generally detest U.S. copyright law -- I hardly think I'm hurting anyone by selling bootleg "Avoid the 'Noid" t-shirts on CafePress -- I have to admit I'm all for utilizing it to smack down companies who sell "family friendly" versions of R-rated movies to bitch-ass Mormons. Such was the case last week when a Colorado judge ruled that CleanFlicks must cease their practice of distributing Hollywood films on dvd with sex, violence and putrid words like "h-e-double-hockeysticks" and "fudge" edited out. I'm guessing whoever reads this post would agree with me that the idea of this service is insulting and moronic on virtually every level ("Honey, I'm so glad we can finally share A History of Violence -- I mean, A History of Appropriate Hugs -- with the kids"), but I'd also like to convince you to get behind my reverse business plan: re-editing saccharine and blandly inoffensive films to contain oodles of new, adult content. I realize this idea is also firmly (tee hee) illegal, but like a sleazy Rosa Parks, I'll do whatever it takes to turn the tide of cultural sanitization in America. C'mon, the editing may look choppy as all hell, but instead of watching Lindsay Lohan's b00bs digitally shrunk by Disney in Herbie: Fully Loaded, why not throw some scenes from, say, Henry & June in there? Not happy with your copy of Yentl? Try splicing it up with the Barbara Streisand p0rn film currently on eBay. And did you enjoy, say, The Notebook, but just didn't find it violent enough? I think this particular scene would work great in just about any context:

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