Sunday, March 18, 2007

Please God, let there be three more Artie Bucco episodes.

While a Simpsons movie is finally hitting theaters this summer, in perhaps the most flagrant-ever defiance of the "strike while the iron is hot" rule, another dragged-out series is coming to an end as the final episodes of The Sopranos air beginning in April. Recently there was a news story about a shooting permit dust-up between the producers and Bloomfield, NJ. Series creator David Chase wanted to film the alleged final scene in the final episode at Holsten's Ice Cream Parlour but ran into some resistance from stereotype-scarred locals, who were eventually forced to relent and let the filming take place.

The ice cream thing is a fascinating tidbit. If we assume that the final scene of the series really does take place in an ice cream parlour, then I present the following theory on how the ending will play out:


TONY and AJ enter an ice cream shop. Robert Patrick's compulsive gambler character from season two is manning the counter, but Tony fails to notice. AJ glances up at the menu.

AJ: I want an ice cream cone... and a hamburger... and french fries.... and some fucking ziti (wink to the camera)... and...
TONY (shaking him furiously): YOU'LL GET NOTHING AND LIKE IT!*

Just then, the INDESTRUCTIBLE RUSSIAN MOBSTER who eluded Paulie and Christopher in the "Pine Barrens" episode from season 3, storms into the shop and stares down Tony. We see he is still badly injured but holding clumps of wingtipped hair in his tightly clenched fists, indicating he has already enacted revenge against Paulie off-screen.

TONY: No! It can't be you! We all thought you were dead!

The IRM says something in Russian, but some jackhammer noise outside drowns out his voice, so even if you speak Russian you don't know what he's saying, and it's supposed to always remain ambiguous.

Suddenly, the IRM attacks Tony, first attempting a bear hug w/ no success, then slamming him through a table in a feat of mom-rescuing-trapped-child-like strength. A horrified AJ stands there watching because he is useless. Robert Patrick has fled the scene. The IRM then drags a stunned Tony over to the soft serve machine, where he slowly empties its contents down Tony's throat, choking him to death.

The camera then pans from Tonly's lifeless body over to a tub of ice cream marked BEN & JERRY'S DUCK DUCK GOOSE. We hold this shot and superimpose it over a flashback of Tony frolicking with the ducks in his pool at the beginning of season one.


A blank, bright white screen, in front of which stands the creepy, silhouetted old woman Tony has previously seen in his dreams. The figure steps slowly forward and is revealed to be... DAVID CHASE in drag. Chase then smiles knowingly at the camera as we fade out. The Rolling Stones' "Rough Justice" plays over the credits.

*It's never too late in the series for a Caddyshack homage.


BayonneMike said...

Very funny stuff, Chris. Would it be possible for the Goose on the ice cream container to speak? It could be a sort of self-homage to the talking fish dream sequence from a previous season. When the camera closes in on the picture of the goose, it could say, "Your goose is cooked."

Chris said...

Wouldn't a "fowl play" joke be more appropriate? After all the Vito double entendres last year the writers just might dig those kind of puns.

rrthur said...

love it!