Tuesday, August 22, 2006

I would've pegged Osama as more of a Talk Talk fan.

Here is an excerpt from the forthcoming, entirely classy memoir by the woman who claims to have been Osama bin Laden's ex-lover in 1996. I'd just like to highlight and comment on the following passages:

"He would humiliate me by making me dance naked. It was such a strange thing, because for the most part he believed music was evil. If a guest at the estate played music, he would cover his ears until the “poison” was silenced (To be fair, "Jagged Little Pill" was pretty inescapable for a while there -- C). But other times he would become this devout party boy who wanted to hear Van Halen or some B-52's. To this day I hear the song “Rock Lobster” in my sleep. I would be jerking around like a white girl—“Dance like a Caucasoid girl!” he would say—and his eyes would track me from one side of the terrace to the other (Somewhere John Waters must be kicking himself for not writing this first). “Your ass is too big, show me the front,” he said. Osama, you understand, did not know the difference between being vicious and being tender (so that whole USS Cole thing was what - a Neil LaBute-esque hate fuck?).

"The first night I met him, at a restaurant, I ran out the door, gripped by terror, and drove home. Relieved that his henchmen hadn't followed me, I ran a bath, lounged in the cold bathwater, then changed into a flowing silk robe. There was a bang on the door, and I could hear shouting: “Hey, black girl!” When I opened the door, there was Osama bin Laden and his seven-man posse (Because to paraphrase Dre and Snoop, "Ain't no fun unless the jihadists get some"). A cold bolt of lightning went through me. ('Cold bolt of lightning?' Is this a memoir or a sports drink commercial?)"

In the same excerpt she also mentions some of Osama's favorite TV fare: "The Wonder Years;" "Miami Vice;" "MacGyver." As a result, I think VH1 might start hunting this guy more dilligently than the Bush administration for those "I Love the 80's" shows. Of course, another topic of the book is bin Laden's alleged "obsession" with Whitney Houston. "In his briefcase," she writes, "I would come across photographs of the star, as well as copies of Playboy, but nobody in the West believes me when I tell them this. It's like they have this totally bogus image of Osama bin Laden. " Yeah, it's like everyone got so distracted by that 9/11 thing they totally missed out on the real dish.

Nevertheless, bin Laden isn't the first notorious celebrity sleazeball to develop an unwholesome fascination with Whitney, and I'm not talking about her husband... uhm, what's-his-name -- the crackhead from Bell Biv DeVoe. No, legendary French perv Serge Gainsbourg also made his intentions toward the singer clear when they appeared on a talk show together in 1987. Is it any wonder she went on the pipe?:

2 comments:

loveyouintheface said...

"Dance like a Caucasoid girl!" is going to be my new catch phrase. Osama or not, that's one heck of a command.

And the B-52's? I have no words. Sea animal sounds, maybe but no actual words.

This blog made me pee my proverbial pants. Thanks.

litelysalted said...

Wow. Osama bin Laden is kinda not unlike a gay redneck who goes around beating the shit out of fags to prove how not gay he really isn't. Or something. Right?