Ted Leo and the Pharmacists' (great) new album Living With the Living has apparently already locked up album of the year in some quarters and has been on heavy rotation at my palatial estate for the last week or so; but their ridiculously stomping cover of Chumbawumba's "Rappaport's Testament: I Never Gave Up" from the accompanying Mo'Living EP (actually a brief song cycle about some of the lesser known Wayanses*) is what's really rockin' my... uhm... palatial world right now. It's the only song I've listened to obsessively in gods know how long as well as the first one to fill me with some "Eye of the Tiger"-style get-up-and-go since... well, Ted's recent cover of "Rock n Roll Dreams'll Come Through." In fact, I think the only way I'll give up now is if they don't play this song when I see them tomorrow night in DC. For now you can listen to it at the very end of Omar's latest Best Show on WFMU recap.
*Yes, I went for a bad Wayans pun instead of a bad Rappaport pun. I daren't attempt both. I simply daren't.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Sunday, March 25, 2007
"See you at the Oscars!"
This post serves as something of a public service (as opposed to the rest, which are more like saintly missives kissed by seraphim), as I think - think - at least a couple of my readers have never read anything by George Saunders, who I'm almost certain they would go unabashedly batty for in no time. Many of Saunders' recent stories initially resemble an expanded, satirical McSweeeny's feature or some other internet-era feat of whimsy, but are eventually fraught with uncommon humanism and Vonnegut-like pathos that distinguishes him above so many other contemporary writers. I just finished his latest short story collection, In Persuasion Nation, and it really clicked with me beyond anything of his I'd previously read, which includes the fantastic Pastoralia and the earlier CivilWarLand in Bad Decline (which I felt at the time suffered from seemingly forced miserableness). In short, Saunders is the funniest writer I know of working today, certainly one of the most clever and original, and if it catches you right his work is also genuinely affecting.Wait, did I say George Saunders? I meant Tom DeLay w/ Stephen Mansfield. That's a mia-gulpa for yours truly.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
One of those all-link posts that I hope ultimately doesn't count
- SOYA has a preview of Showtime's version of This American Life - which I'll check out in whatever decade Comcrap gets around to fixing my cable - with an animated segment by Chris Ware.
- Things every comedy-loving person saw before me part 437: On Fiona's right shoulder, a good angel. On her left, a bad one.
- Said the Gramophone's posted a gorgeous Medicine Head song that I flipped over last winter, which evidently was one of John Peel's faves. I originally heard about it as part of a news story on the suitcase full of singles he carried with him most of the time. I then found it as part of a subsequent flurry of mp3 postings that, like an Andy Goldsworthy piece, was too fragile and beautiful to last.
- Here's another mp3 blog w/an oft-great selection. It's worth checking out just to see how many films you can identify from the still frames.
- "The President should be allowed to fire everyone..."
- "...and senators should be allowed to take all the cheap shots they want without anyone being able to respond."
Oh, and I'm diggin' this hard (and no, I haven't picked up the rest of the stuff in the box set yet):
I'm told that after the early 70's, the Bee Gees briefly emerged from obscurity to appear in some reggaeton-themed, coming-of-age drama with Daddy Yankee, the girl from Puce Moment, and Tom Noonan from Manhunter. Oh, and they apparently rode Rick Dees' coattails by releasing a disco record. However, anyone who likes the Beatles, Beach Boys, Zombies, etc. even a little would do well to check out their remastered, reissued (with bonus tracks that stack up just fine against the non-bonus kind) debut album from '67, which is utterly in the same vein as those groups. Take the weirdly brilliant flourishes of "Every Christian Lion-Hearted Man Will Show You," which proceeds from mock-Gregorian chant into ye olde 60's pop majesty. You know what a Gregorian chant intro would portend these days? Some depressing, 22-minute post-rock instrumental w/ a title that looks like a page from Absalom, Absalom! that's what! To quote Brian Wilson by way of Tom Scharpling, "I just wasn't made for these times."
Which is not to say depressing music doesn't have its proper place. Take El-P's new one, for instance. I've only listened to a couple of tracks so far, but any hip hop album that opens with a Twin Peaks - Fire Walk With Me sample automatically earns five mics and a couple of "garmonbozias" for good measure.
- Things every comedy-loving person saw before me part 437: On Fiona's right shoulder, a good angel. On her left, a bad one.
- Said the Gramophone's posted a gorgeous Medicine Head song that I flipped over last winter, which evidently was one of John Peel's faves. I originally heard about it as part of a news story on the suitcase full of singles he carried with him most of the time. I then found it as part of a subsequent flurry of mp3 postings that, like an Andy Goldsworthy piece, was too fragile and beautiful to last.
- Here's another mp3 blog w/an oft-great selection. It's worth checking out just to see how many films you can identify from the still frames.
- "The President should be allowed to fire everyone..."
- "...and senators should be allowed to take all the cheap shots they want without anyone being able to respond."
Oh, and I'm diggin' this hard (and no, I haven't picked up the rest of the stuff in the box set yet):
I'm told that after the early 70's, the Bee Gees briefly emerged from obscurity to appear in some reggaeton-themed, coming-of-age drama with Daddy Yankee, the girl from Puce Moment, and Tom Noonan from Manhunter. Oh, and they apparently rode Rick Dees' coattails by releasing a disco record. However, anyone who likes the Beatles, Beach Boys, Zombies, etc. even a little would do well to check out their remastered, reissued (with bonus tracks that stack up just fine against the non-bonus kind) debut album from '67, which is utterly in the same vein as those groups. Take the weirdly brilliant flourishes of "Every Christian Lion-Hearted Man Will Show You," which proceeds from mock-Gregorian chant into ye olde 60's pop majesty. You know what a Gregorian chant intro would portend these days? Some depressing, 22-minute post-rock instrumental w/ a title that looks like a page from Absalom, Absalom! that's what! To quote Brian Wilson by way of Tom Scharpling, "I just wasn't made for these times."
Which is not to say depressing music doesn't have its proper place. Take El-P's new one, for instance. I've only listened to a couple of tracks so far, but any hip hop album that opens with a Twin Peaks - Fire Walk With Me sample automatically earns five mics and a couple of "garmonbozias" for good measure.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Please God, let there be three more Artie Bucco episodes.
While a Simpsons movie is finally hitting theaters this summer, in perhaps the most flagrant-ever defiance of the "strike while the iron is hot" rule, another dragged-out series is coming to an end as the final episodes of The Sopranos air beginning in April. Recently there was a news story about a shooting permit dust-up between the producers and Bloomfield, NJ. Series creator David Chase wanted to film the alleged final scene in the final episode at Holsten's Ice Cream Parlour but ran into some resistance from stereotype-scarred locals, who were eventually forced to relent and let the filming take place.
The ice cream thing is a fascinating tidbit. If we assume that the final scene of the series really does take place in an ice cream parlour, then I present the following theory on how the ending will play out:
FINAL SCENE:
TONY and AJ enter an ice cream shop. Robert Patrick's compulsive gambler character from season two is manning the counter, but Tony fails to notice. AJ glances up at the menu.
AJ: I want an ice cream cone... and a hamburger... and french fries.... and some fucking ziti (wink to the camera)... and...
TONY (shaking him furiously): YOU'LL GET NOTHING AND LIKE IT!*
Just then, the INDESTRUCTIBLE RUSSIAN MOBSTER who eluded Paulie and Christopher in the "Pine Barrens" episode from season 3, storms into the shop and stares down Tony. We see he is still badly injured but holding clumps of wingtipped hair in his tightly clenched fists, indicating he has already enacted revenge against Paulie off-screen.
TONY: No! It can't be you! We all thought you were dead!
The IRM says something in Russian, but some jackhammer noise outside drowns out his voice, so even if you speak Russian you don't know what he's saying, and it's supposed to always remain ambiguous.
Suddenly, the IRM attacks Tony, first attempting a bear hug w/ no success, then slamming him through a table in a feat of mom-rescuing-trapped-child-like strength. A horrified AJ stands there watching because he is useless. Robert Patrick has fled the scene. The IRM then drags a stunned Tony over to the soft serve machine, where he slowly empties its contents down Tony's throat, choking him to death.
The camera then pans from Tonly's lifeless body over to a tub of ice cream marked BEN & JERRY'S DUCK DUCK GOOSE. We hold this shot and superimpose it over a flashback of Tony frolicking with the ducks in his pool at the beginning of season one.
CUT TO:
A blank, bright white screen, in front of which stands the creepy, silhouetted old woman Tony has previously seen in his dreams. The figure steps slowly forward and is revealed to be... DAVID CHASE in drag. Chase then smiles knowingly at the camera as we fade out. The Rolling Stones' "Rough Justice" plays over the credits.
*It's never too late in the series for a Caddyshack homage.
The ice cream thing is a fascinating tidbit. If we assume that the final scene of the series really does take place in an ice cream parlour, then I present the following theory on how the ending will play out:
FINAL SCENE:
TONY and AJ enter an ice cream shop. Robert Patrick's compulsive gambler character from season two is manning the counter, but Tony fails to notice. AJ glances up at the menu.
AJ: I want an ice cream cone... and a hamburger... and french fries.... and some fucking ziti (wink to the camera)... and...
TONY (shaking him furiously): YOU'LL GET NOTHING AND LIKE IT!*
Just then, the INDESTRUCTIBLE RUSSIAN MOBSTER who eluded Paulie and Christopher in the "Pine Barrens" episode from season 3, storms into the shop and stares down Tony. We see he is still badly injured but holding clumps of wingtipped hair in his tightly clenched fists, indicating he has already enacted revenge against Paulie off-screen.
TONY: No! It can't be you! We all thought you were dead!
The IRM says something in Russian, but some jackhammer noise outside drowns out his voice, so even if you speak Russian you don't know what he's saying, and it's supposed to always remain ambiguous.
Suddenly, the IRM attacks Tony, first attempting a bear hug w/ no success, then slamming him through a table in a feat of mom-rescuing-trapped-child-like strength. A horrified AJ stands there watching because he is useless. Robert Patrick has fled the scene. The IRM then drags a stunned Tony over to the soft serve machine, where he slowly empties its contents down Tony's throat, choking him to death.
The camera then pans from Tonly's lifeless body over to a tub of ice cream marked BEN & JERRY'S DUCK DUCK GOOSE. We hold this shot and superimpose it over a flashback of Tony frolicking with the ducks in his pool at the beginning of season one.
CUT TO:
A blank, bright white screen, in front of which stands the creepy, silhouetted old woman Tony has previously seen in his dreams. The figure steps slowly forward and is revealed to be... DAVID CHASE in drag. Chase then smiles knowingly at the camera as we fade out. The Rolling Stones' "Rough Justice" plays over the credits.
*It's never too late in the series for a Caddyshack homage.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
The Ides of March
I remember always hearing something about this day but I can’t remember what it is. You’re supposed to remain generally oblivious, run with/toward sharp objects and wear a leafy headband, right?
Saturday, March 10, 2007
This doubles as my submission to the 33 1/3 series, by the way
Recently while listening to Prince's greatest album, Sign O' The Times, on the way to work, I began to have new, serious reservations about the lyrical content of a song I've always dug, "The Ballad of Dorothy Parker." While I haven't always exactly shared the same value judgments as His Purple Badness, let alone the characters in his many salacious songs (hmmm, now I smell a potential blog miniseries), something about this particular title character seemed especially off-putting on this occasion. Let's break down the song's lyrics and see if we can pinpoint the sources of my consternation:
Dorothy was a waitress on the promenade
She worked the night shift
Dishwater blonde, tall and fine
She got a lot of tips
Well, earlier I'd been talkin' stuff
In a violent room
Fighting with lovers past
I needed someone with a quicker wit than mine
Dorothy was fast
Well, I ordered - "Yeah, let me get a fruit cocktail, I ain't 2 hungry"
Dorothy laughed
She said "Sounds like a real man 2 me"
Kinda cute, U wanna take a bath?
(do you wanna, do you wanna, bath)
Uh oh, right away discriminating listeners probably are getting the feeling they've been sold a bill of goods concerning Ms. Parker's alleged "wit." I can just picture the kind of woman who'd say "sounds like a real man (to) me." She'd probably fit squarely in either the white trash or Francesca Fiore camp, neither of which I particularly want to visit. Plus: "U wanna take a bath?" That just about tops the list of most UN-clever things a person can say upon first meeting . "Hi, my name's Chri - WILL YOU TAKE A BATH WITH ME?!?" Although today that sentence might look more forgivable in the low-stakes era of text messaging, where Prince proved 2 B ahead of his time, spellingwise.
I said "Cool, but I'm leaving my pants on" (she say)
"Cuz I'm kind of going with someone"
She said "Sounds like a real man 2 me"
We'll address the pants issue in a minute, but you'll recall how that last sentence set off alarm bells the first time she used it. Now she's just repeating the same stock phrases like a mentally challenged person approximating flirtatiousness. A part of me wonders if this song should've been called "Riding the Bus with Dorothy Parker" instead.
"Mind if I turn on the radio?"
"Oh, my favorite song" she said
And it was Joni singing "Help me I think I'm falling"
(Ring)
The phone rang and she said
"Whoever's calling can't be as cute as U"
Right then I knew I was through
(Dorothy Parker was cool)
My pants were wet, they came off
But she didn't see the movie
Cuz she hadn't read the book first
Dorothy not having read a book? As one bonafide comic genius was fond of saying, "get out of the city!"
Instead she pretended she was blind
An affliction brought on by a witch's curse
Dorothy made me laugh (ha ha)
I felt much better so I went back
2 the violent room (tell us what U did)
Let me tell U what I did...
I took another bubble bath with my pants on
All the fighting stopped
Next time I'll do it sooner
This is the ballad of Dorothy Parker
Dorothy Parker, Dorothy Parker, Dorothy Parker
Dorothy Parker, Dorothy Parker, Dorothy Parker
Well
Dorothy Parker, Dorothy Parker
Well
Yes, yes, Dorothy Parker, Dorothy Parker. Maybe someday Prince will write a follow-up song called "The Ballad of Virginia Woolf," about a schizophrenic lunch lady who ends up running around in an gorilla suit like at the end of Wise Blood. Save that for your next comeback, Your Paisley Majesty!
Dorothy was a waitress on the promenade
She worked the night shift
Dishwater blonde, tall and fine
She got a lot of tips
Well, earlier I'd been talkin' stuff
In a violent room
Fighting with lovers past
I needed someone with a quicker wit than mine
Dorothy was fast
OK, so far I think most of us would have a favorable impression of Ms. Parker. Plenty of charming, alluring young women have held down food service jobs at some point in their lives. My ideal personifcation of this type might more closely resemble, say, Salma Hayek than a "dishwater blonde," but whatever. Plus, Dorothy of course shares her name with a revered writer, so any moment now I think we can expect her to serve up a platter of bon mots with a side of sly come-ons (or onion rings), right?
Well, I ordered - "Yeah, let me get a fruit cocktail, I ain't 2 hungry"
Dorothy laughed
She said "Sounds like a real man 2 me"
Kinda cute, U wanna take a bath?
(do you wanna, do you wanna, bath)
Uh oh, right away discriminating listeners probably are getting the feeling they've been sold a bill of goods concerning Ms. Parker's alleged "wit." I can just picture the kind of woman who'd say "sounds like a real man (to) me." She'd probably fit squarely in either the white trash or Francesca Fiore camp, neither of which I particularly want to visit. Plus: "U wanna take a bath?" That just about tops the list of most UN-clever things a person can say upon first meeting . "Hi, my name's Chri - WILL YOU TAKE A BATH WITH ME?!?" Although today that sentence might look more forgivable in the low-stakes era of text messaging, where Prince proved 2 B ahead of his time, spellingwise.
I said "Cool, but I'm leaving my pants on" (she say)
"Cuz I'm kind of going with someone"
She said "Sounds like a real man 2 me"
We'll address the pants issue in a minute, but you'll recall how that last sentence set off alarm bells the first time she used it. Now she's just repeating the same stock phrases like a mentally challenged person approximating flirtatiousness. A part of me wonders if this song should've been called "Riding the Bus with Dorothy Parker" instead.
"Mind if I turn on the radio?"
"Oh, my favorite song" she said
And it was Joni singing "Help me I think I'm falling"
Oh good, I'd have to listen to Joni Mitchell with her as well. Normally I don't think music taste is that important but by now I'm less and less inclined to cut her any slack.
(Ring)
The phone rang and she said
"Whoever's calling can't be as cute as U"
Ugh. Keep going...
Right then I knew I was through
(Dorothy Parker was cool)
My pants were wet, they came off
But she didn't see the movie
Cuz she hadn't read the book first
Dorothy not having read a book? As one bonafide comic genius was fond of saying, "get out of the city!"
Instead she pretended she was blind
An affliction brought on by a witch's curse
Dorothy made me laugh (ha ha)
Great, now we can apparently add bad improv acting to the list of "cons." The fact that this guy is laughing at it doesn't exactly cast him in a good light either. Maybe Prince is channeling Drew Carey here?
I felt much better so I went back
2 the violent room (tell us what U did)
Let me tell U what I did...
I took another bubble bath with my pants on
All the fighting stopped
Next time I'll do it sooner
This is the ballad of Dorothy Parker
At this point I think I'm most concerned about Prince's wardrobe, as I'd wager the kind of pants he wears wouldn't lend themselves to frequent bubble bath immersion . I don't know if his leaving his pants on (at first, anyway) nullifies the whole "cheating" aspect either. Worst case scenario, that resembles Francis Wolcott from Deadwood's logic, and I'm sure we all remember how that turned out.
Dorothy Parker, Dorothy Parker, Dorothy Parker
Dorothy Parker, Dorothy Parker, Dorothy Parker
Well
Dorothy Parker, Dorothy Parker
Well
Yes, yes, Dorothy Parker, Dorothy Parker. Maybe someday Prince will write a follow-up song called "The Ballad of Virginia Woolf," about a schizophrenic lunch lady who ends up running around in an gorilla suit like at the end of Wise Blood. Save that for your next comeback, Your Paisley Majesty!
Friday, March 02, 2007
I've been shamefully negligent
...in declaring my love for 30 Rock on, of all things, this very blog of admiration and/or scorn for the works of others. Count me as the 3,000,000th unoriginal person who saw last week's episode to say I love it so much I want to "take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant." You can always watch the last 5 or so episodes for free on nbc.com and I strongly advise everyone to take advantage. It's become my favorite show while Real Time w/ Marlo Stanfield is away. I always thought Tina Fey was just ok, but if I'd known she would eventually create something so brilliant that also just happens to feature recurring Ghostface Killah appearances, I would've subjected you all to beguiling/creepy .gifs like this more often:
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Kelly Clarkson Survived a Broken TV Home.
Despite having already written the self-described "definitive treatise on American Idol" (still the second most popular blog post in MySpace history, following Joe Rogan's legendary 2005 flame war with a Thai restaurant waiter). I made another couple of mild attempts to get into it this year (well, the auditions anyway) without success. You want just one reason why I'm not furiously texting each week on behalf of, say, a moisturizer-loving white guy warbling "A Change is Gonna Come?" Here's just one:
Forget for a moment that the other two "judges" on this show are a crackpot choreographer who got lucky and a guy primarily known for using the word "dawg" more awkwardly than Sean Connery. I think I'd have more musical taste in common with just about anyone - even Ryan Seacrest, a guy who makes Carson Daly look as gonzo as Hunter S. Thompson - than Simon Cowell.
All this time I've had absolutely no idea what this guy had done in the music industry that even qualified him to critique the handwriting on a setlist, much less anyone's singing ability, so I looked up his entry on the perpetually super-accurate Wikipedia (and by the way, the NY Times running an article about someone else's inaccuracies is a bitter laugh indeed). Turns out in addition to signing a bunch of UK pop drones I'd mostly never heard of (note: as bad as you think American pop music might be, just rememeber the British scene is always substantially worse), Cowell's also got the following credits under his belt:
"He also released several novelty recordings featuring the likes of wrestlers of the World Wrestling Federation, Zig and Zag and the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, that were huge successes."
Wrestlers? Power Rangers? Zig? Zag? Before looking at his resume, I always thought Cowell's idea of a perfect pop star would be a trilly-voiced, mall-ready sexpot who finds herself irresistibly attracted to a flat-topped sleazoid seemingly oblivious to his own prissiness. Turns out it would be Jet Jaguar.
Meanwhile, from elsewhere on the interwebs, here's your first, tantalizing tease as to the contents of The Wire season 5 (Thanks to Recidivism for the link). With all due respect to UBM, I kinda consider Maniac Cop to be the "Dr. Strangelove of police procedurals." I'm gonna go waaaay out on a limb w/ a prediction for the final season: McNulty will die, while Omar and Bubbles will both survive. Oh, and Clay Davis will resign as state senator and join the Comedians of Comedy tour. I think they've been building up to that one for some time.
Forget for a moment that the other two "judges" on this show are a crackpot choreographer who got lucky and a guy primarily known for using the word "dawg" more awkwardly than Sean Connery. I think I'd have more musical taste in common with just about anyone - even Ryan Seacrest, a guy who makes Carson Daly look as gonzo as Hunter S. Thompson - than Simon Cowell.
All this time I've had absolutely no idea what this guy had done in the music industry that even qualified him to critique the handwriting on a setlist, much less anyone's singing ability, so I looked up his entry on the perpetually super-accurate Wikipedia (and by the way, the NY Times running an article about someone else's inaccuracies is a bitter laugh indeed). Turns out in addition to signing a bunch of UK pop drones I'd mostly never heard of (note: as bad as you think American pop music might be, just rememeber the British scene is always substantially worse), Cowell's also got the following credits under his belt:
"He also released several novelty recordings featuring the likes of wrestlers of the World Wrestling Federation, Zig and Zag and the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, that were huge successes."
Wrestlers? Power Rangers? Zig? Zag? Before looking at his resume, I always thought Cowell's idea of a perfect pop star would be a trilly-voiced, mall-ready sexpot who finds herself irresistibly attracted to a flat-topped sleazoid seemingly oblivious to his own prissiness. Turns out it would be Jet Jaguar.
Meanwhile, from elsewhere on the interwebs, here's your first, tantalizing tease as to the contents of The Wire season 5 (Thanks to Recidivism for the link). With all due respect to UBM, I kinda consider Maniac Cop to be the "Dr. Strangelove of police procedurals." I'm gonna go waaaay out on a limb w/ a prediction for the final season: McNulty will die, while Omar and Bubbles will both survive. Oh, and Clay Davis will resign as state senator and join the Comedians of Comedy tour. I think they've been building up to that one for some time.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Live Oscar blogging beats the Apollo moon landing any day.
7:55 PM - I've been wearing an unwashed grey suit for over a month to support Borat's screenplay nomination. Tonight's where it pays off!
8:35 PM - Surprisingly, Errol Morris' opening interview montage did not include a Fred Leuchter appearance.
8:40 PM - Ellen's suit is the visual equivalent of "Oprah, Uma."
8:47 PM - Woo hoo, first award... What the FUCK! The Good Shepherd lost Best Art Direction?!? Fuck! This! Evening ruined. Kiss my ass, Hollywood. Is basketball on? Pacers vs. Kings... uh...
8:53 - Man, this Kings game is weird. Ron Artest just started singing about fighting Peter O'Toole. Wait, which show am I watching? Fuck, this is actually kinda hard.
9:07 PM - GUYS!!! IM sO DRUNK!!!1!
9:23 PM - OK IM BACK. SOMEone told me Tim and Eric r presenting later.
9:30 PM - guys yu think Jon Heder will evr win an oscar? ppl never tjought eddie murphey wld win one either and look what just happened.
9:32 PM - OH SHIT JAMES TAYLOR GUYS I LOV THIS SONG!!!
9:34 - Aand now its that convenient truths song. look yall i know its easy to be cynical abouit the oscars but ten billion people watch every year. ITS STILL REAL 2 ME DAMMIT!
9:37 PM - HEY ITS SORE LOSERMAN HA HA HA
9:40 - gUys Im sorry abt that sore loserman joke. this aint the half hour comedy hour on fox news, you dont come here for that sorta thing. Also, I just saw on yahoo eddie murphy didn't actully win. sorry.
9:56 - Shit, sorry again I was lookin for that gif of the cat jumpin out of the hedge and attacking the little kid bt i cant find it. I just thought it wouild be funny. i dont even know whats goin on on the oscars. I'm sorry... this blog sucks. im not fukin funny eitehr which is why i only have 2 readers.
10:01 - you know what the worst part of tonigt is, i got stuff i should be workin on for work but i keep puttin it off. WTF is wrong w/ me why am i so unmotivated. Plus im fukin drunk and i only had 1 beer.
10:03 FUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuck.
10:06 god i fuckin suck. i suck i suck i suck. Can you at least make friends on match.com or is it only for dating? Im lonely and i suck. i need to take this fukcin suit off, it stinks.
10 ? im going to bed early. i'll catch tim + erics bit on youtube tomorrow. sorry for sucking.
8:35 PM - Surprisingly, Errol Morris' opening interview montage did not include a Fred Leuchter appearance.
8:40 PM - Ellen's suit is the visual equivalent of "Oprah, Uma."
8:47 PM - Woo hoo, first award... What the FUCK! The Good Shepherd lost Best Art Direction?!? Fuck! This! Evening ruined. Kiss my ass, Hollywood. Is basketball on? Pacers vs. Kings... uh...
8:53 - Man, this Kings game is weird. Ron Artest just started singing about fighting Peter O'Toole. Wait, which show am I watching? Fuck, this is actually kinda hard.
9:07 PM - GUYS!!! IM sO DRUNK!!!1!
9:23 PM - OK IM BACK. SOMEone told me Tim and Eric r presenting later.
9:30 PM - guys yu think Jon Heder will evr win an oscar? ppl never tjought eddie murphey wld win one either and look what just happened.
9:32 PM - OH SHIT JAMES TAYLOR GUYS I LOV THIS SONG!!!
9:34 - Aand now its that convenient truths song. look yall i know its easy to be cynical abouit the oscars but ten billion people watch every year. ITS STILL REAL 2 ME DAMMIT!
9:37 PM - HEY ITS SORE LOSERMAN HA HA HA
9:40 - gUys Im sorry abt that sore loserman joke. this aint the half hour comedy hour on fox news, you dont come here for that sorta thing. Also, I just saw on yahoo eddie murphy didn't actully win. sorry.
9:56 - Shit, sorry again I was lookin for that gif of the cat jumpin out of the hedge and attacking the little kid bt i cant find it. I just thought it wouild be funny. i dont even know whats goin on on the oscars. I'm sorry... this blog sucks. im not fukin funny eitehr which is why i only have 2 readers.
10:01 - you know what the worst part of tonigt is, i got stuff i should be workin on for work but i keep puttin it off. WTF is wrong w/ me why am i so unmotivated. Plus im fukin drunk and i only had 1 beer.
10:03 FUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuck.
10:06 god i fuckin suck. i suck i suck i suck. Can you at least make friends on match.com or is it only for dating? Im lonely and i suck. i need to take this fukcin suit off, it stinks.
10 ? im going to bed early. i'll catch tim + erics bit on youtube tomorrow. sorry for sucking.
Friday, February 23, 2007
Plus, I'm Pretty Sure This Blog has Been Read as Many as 23 Times Since June!
Above: I didn't know Biohazard were still together, much less that they had an opening for a saxophonist
This weekend sees the release of The Number 23, which I believe stars Jim Carrey as an accident-prone fire marshall with bladder control issues who becomes obsessed with the alphabet or something. As hard as it is to believe that I could pass on the new Joel Schumacher movie, I think I'll be spending my $9.50 elsewhere this weekend. Nevertheless, this film has gotten me thinking about the significance the number 23 has played in my own life. For example:
-On my 23rd birthday I ate 23 pounds of macaroni and cheese over a period of 23 hours and subsequently shat 23 times, all while having 23 seperate crying fits.
-When I was a kid, I was a big fan of Michael Jordan (No. 23), but now I know there are at least 23 reasons to find him loathsome.
-There are at least 23 states in the US that I have no desire to ever visit, although I've heard the western part of the 23rd state, Maine, is pretty happening.
-I abide by the little-known comedy "rule of 23," in which the setup is established 22 times and then the 23rd time is the punchline. Unfortunately, the audience is usually hurling too much abuse by that point to hear the punchline, but that's what makes it edgy.
-It’s a little known fact that Spike Lee bought the rights to my 23rd novella, The 23rd Hour (which followed my previous efforts 22 Cigarettes and The 21st Jump Street) for $23,000 and adapted it into The 25th Hour. I just wish he hadn’t changed the original ending, in which Edward Norton’s character is mauled by 23 mutated lemurs.
-One day in high school – Dec 23, to be exact - I received 23 swirlies in the bathroom after I wore a pink t-shirt depicting 23 members of Menudo.
-I’m pretty sure I've masturbated to at least 23 different Sherilyn Fenn movies in my life. This eventually cost me 23 friends when a few of us got together to watch Of Mice and Men.
-In the early 70’s my uncle Tyrone “Donkey” Duncanhurst (23 letters!) was in a funk band called the Two Threes. They recorded a song called “The Funky 23 Corners" that was banned from 23 different radio stations due to the second and third verse, in which my uncle threatened to shoot Spiro Agnew 23 times in the face.
I could go on and on, but if you'll excuse me I have to go buy a cobb salad at Whole Foods for about... $23 bucks!
And it seems to me you awarded custody of the body like a candle in the wind
I really, really, REALLY didn't think I would care about any aspect of the Anna Nicole Smith debacle, but this crying judge is just off-the-charts bizarre. The video is easy to find elsewhere, of course. Sure, the world appears to be "melting like an ice cream cone," and the Bush administration is using its same old tricks to provoke conflict w/ Iran, but still, a crying judge! The only thing funnier would be if this character changed careers and handled the case. Enjoy the apeshittedness of 2007 before it just turns to regular shit.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
A Yellow-Trousered, Spritely Elf Playing a Musical Bottle of Ale
I can't help but recycle Andrew Earles' recent linkage to this Michael Anthony-led bass excursion/Sun Ra Arkestra audition from Van Hagar's 5150 tour. This follows news that the recently-announced Van Halen reunion tour is likely already kaput. It's just as well: Wolfgang VH may be a prodigy for all I know but let's see him run around after downing as much Jack as Anthony had in this clip -- all while pretending to tolerate the Red Rocker's onstage presence (did this tour have its own sweatpant coordinator or something?)
Monday, February 19, 2007
I take it back...
Jodorowsky is clearly a lightweight compared to this.
Meanwhile, Criterion finally releases Army of Shadows in May. And from elsewhere in their catalog, if you enjoyed Pan's Labyrinth, or maybe especially if you were turned off by certain aspects of it, this enigmatic film should be your next stop.
Meanwhile, Criterion finally releases Army of Shadows in May. And from elsewhere in their catalog, if you enjoyed Pan's Labyrinth, or maybe especially if you were turned off by certain aspects of it, this enigmatic film should be your next stop.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Did a gay guy besmirch the crossover dribble or something?
Former NBA star Tim Hardaway made some comments about gay people last night that seem to have gone COMPLETELY under the radar (or "on the down low" if you will). Actually, you've probably heard about it by now but this was what he saideth on a Miami radio station:
“You know, I hate gay people, so I let it be known. I don’t like gay people and I don’t like to be around gay people. I am homophobic. I don’t like it. It shouldn’t be in the world or in the United States…First of all, I wouldn’t want (a gay player) on my team. And second of all, if he was on my team, I would really distance myself from him because, uh, I don’t think that is right. I don’t think he should be in the locker room while we are in the locker room. But stuff like that is going on and there’s a lot of other people I hear that are like that and still in the closet and don’t want to come out of the closet, but you know I just leave that alone.'’
Eyewitnesses have just come forward w/ details about further remarks in the same vein that Hardaway made off the air:
"Gays are gayin' it up. So mad. So mad at teh gays.* It shouldn't happen in the universe or even in towns. When I am in one building, I want them to be in another building from me and also to, uh, not be gay there. I hereby declare it. When I go to teh movies with women and share a bag of popcorn with women I do not want gays driving cars near the building. I mean, the theater. Hate. Hate them. Hate them so much that... it... it... flam - flames. Flames, on the side of my face, heathing... breathle - , heating breaths. Heathing breath... "**
The blunt, simple-minded vehemence of Timmy's remarks - spurred of course by former NBA player John Amaechi recently coming out in a new book - reminded me of this classic, still-shocking Brass Eye exposé from 1997:
*According to one source, Hardaway was indeed so mad he was pronouncing words like "the" as typos, out loud.
** The same source did confirm that Hardaway regularly expresses himself by quoting the movie Clue, although he allegedly mutes all of Mr. Green's dialogue when watching the film at home.***
***Two "Clue" references already this year and we're not even through February yet. I kind of can't believe it myself.
“You know, I hate gay people, so I let it be known. I don’t like gay people and I don’t like to be around gay people. I am homophobic. I don’t like it. It shouldn’t be in the world or in the United States…First of all, I wouldn’t want (a gay player) on my team. And second of all, if he was on my team, I would really distance myself from him because, uh, I don’t think that is right. I don’t think he should be in the locker room while we are in the locker room. But stuff like that is going on and there’s a lot of other people I hear that are like that and still in the closet and don’t want to come out of the closet, but you know I just leave that alone.'’
Eyewitnesses have just come forward w/ details about further remarks in the same vein that Hardaway made off the air:
"Gays are gayin' it up. So mad. So mad at teh gays.* It shouldn't happen in the universe or even in towns. When I am in one building, I want them to be in another building from me and also to, uh, not be gay there. I hereby declare it. When I go to teh movies with women and share a bag of popcorn with women I do not want gays driving cars near the building. I mean, the theater. Hate. Hate them. Hate them so much that... it... it... flam - flames. Flames, on the side of my face, heathing... breathle - , heating breaths. Heathing breath... "**
The blunt, simple-minded vehemence of Timmy's remarks - spurred of course by former NBA player John Amaechi recently coming out in a new book - reminded me of this classic, still-shocking Brass Eye exposé from 1997:
*According to one source, Hardaway was indeed so mad he was pronouncing words like "the" as typos, out loud.
** The same source did confirm that Hardaway regularly expresses himself by quoting the movie Clue, although he allegedly mutes all of Mr. Green's dialogue when watching the film at home.***
***Two "Clue" references already this year and we're not even through February yet. I kind of can't believe it myself.
Sunday, February 04, 2007
The Best Super Bowl Commercials
- MetLife's Glengarry Glen Ross parody w/ Tony Dungy in the Alec Baldwin role. Even with the bleeps, this was rough stuff.
- The one where the two mechanics eat the candy bar and accidentally kiss, then Peyton Manning attaches Christmas ornaments to their balls in follow-up spots throughout the night (that guy'll shill for anything).
- Bjork and Matthew Barney as married samurai taunted by a yodeling seal while stranded on a sinking iceberg for Bud Light.
Also, I didn't realize until today that the glorious Puppy Bowl takes place a couple of miles from me at the big Discovery Channel building in Silver Spring. I'm surprised College Park didn't take advantage of this close proximity to riot over the outcome.
- The one where the two mechanics eat the candy bar and accidentally kiss, then Peyton Manning attaches Christmas ornaments to their balls in follow-up spots throughout the night (that guy'll shill for anything).
- Bjork and Matthew Barney as married samurai taunted by a yodeling seal while stranded on a sinking iceberg for Bud Light.
Also, I didn't realize until today that the glorious Puppy Bowl takes place a couple of miles from me at the big Discovery Channel building in Silver Spring. I'm surprised College Park didn't take advantage of this close proximity to riot over the outcome.
Children of Men and Prog Rock's Ultimate Victory
This year's Oscar nominees for Best Picture look like such boring consensus picks that I may try to convince ABC to drop their coverage of the ceremony and instead run a live feed of me sitting in my apartment playing Bubble Shooter and sulking about my impending, sure-to-be-desolate birthday (which I'm hoping will be Sizemore-ically depressing enough to spin off into a VH1 series). I've only seen one of the nominees, The Departed, but while that's a well-executed genre flick its presence on the list must mean that Scorsese could release a gag reel of outtakes from that Kodak commercial he appeared in and get 9 nominations, just so voters could finally give him a useless gold statuette and restore balance to the universe's trivia lists.
A particularly egregious shutout in comparison would be Alfonso Cuarón's Children of Men, which is also easily the best non-documentary film of 2006 I've seen so far (followed by United 93, a film which is nevertheless akin to mental torture at times), and I suspect it will probably stay that way. CoM is set in England in the year 2027, where the UK is the last industrial nation left standing after a series of calamities have thrown the rest of the world into chaos - information that the film subtly discloses through unobtrusive newspaper clippings and background advertisements rather than clumsy exposition. Worst of all, a wisely unexplained infertility plague has stricken humanity for 18 years, effectively crushing all hope for civilization's future until ex-activist-turned-burned-out-bureaucrat Clive Owen ends up having to escort a "miraculously" pregnant immigrant - who at one point jokingly tries to convince Owen she's a virgin, in a nod to the film's allegorical aspect - across the country. All the while the two of them are pursued by terrorists, as well as the occasional cute dog or cat, which tend to cling to Owen.
Regrettably, the quality of widely released films has degenerated to the point where opening the fucking Departed nationwide its first weekend is considered something of a bold move, which helps explain why Universal dumped this film into select theaters at Christmas. Clearly they had no idea what they had on their hands, since in addition to having a brain, Children of Men is a gripping sci-fi thriller that's almost Spielbergian in its hold on the audience; albeit also in its tendency to nearly undo a few scenes with heavy-handedness or ill-timed wisecracks. Cuarón stages two key, much-talked-about action sequences in long, amazingly choreographed, Steadicam shots, the second of which lasts roughly six minutes and finds Owen running through a warzone on a bad foot and dodging bullets... while also cat juggling (well, they might restore that part in the dvd anyway, as I suspect a more cynical populace will finally embrace the sport by 2027).
One of my favorite details in the film is that despite being set in the future, the music everyone frequently listens to is still dated pre-2006, implying that once young people stopped being born popular music crapped out entirely and the filmmakers didn't have to hire anyone to predict future trends ("How about... Haunted Electrohouse"). In one scene, a radio dj is overheard introducing a "classic" from 2003, a time, he says, when people still didn't comprehend the bleak future they were facing (the Shins evidentally fooled everyone). Meanwhile, Michael Caine's wealthy, hippie cartoonist lives with his near-comatose wife in an isolated cabin and gets down to such golden oldies as Roots Manuva and Aphex Twin in between the Beatles and Stones. Best of all, Owen at one point visits an obscenely rich art collector friend, played by Danny Huston, to ask for a crucial favor. Huston's character has bunkered down at a now progged-out Battersea Power Station along with his hopelessly game-obsessed, medicated son, with such works as Michelangelo's David (now sporting a prosthetic leg) and Picasso's Guernica providing the backdrop for their meals. He also blasts King Crimson throughout the building and has taken advantage of his locale by recreating the cover of Pink Floyd's Animals, complete with inflatable pig, in a permanent tableau outside his window, as seen below.
The Floyd reference is ironic and especially apt, not only because animals seem to pop up in every other scene but because Roger Waters' misanthropic worldview will be well-suited to any of the grimdystopian (hello, Cormac McCarthy, you're not the only hotshot who can randomly combine words) possible futures ahead of us. I guess it could be worse; just imagine if New York were the last city left standing: some zillionaire would no doubt try to recreate Supertramp's Breakfast in America album cover. I don't think any of us wants to imagine that.
A particularly egregious shutout in comparison would be Alfonso Cuarón's Children of Men, which is also easily the best non-documentary film of 2006 I've seen so far (followed by United 93, a film which is nevertheless akin to mental torture at times), and I suspect it will probably stay that way. CoM is set in England in the year 2027, where the UK is the last industrial nation left standing after a series of calamities have thrown the rest of the world into chaos - information that the film subtly discloses through unobtrusive newspaper clippings and background advertisements rather than clumsy exposition. Worst of all, a wisely unexplained infertility plague has stricken humanity for 18 years, effectively crushing all hope for civilization's future until ex-activist-turned-burned-out-bureaucrat Clive Owen ends up having to escort a "miraculously" pregnant immigrant - who at one point jokingly tries to convince Owen she's a virgin, in a nod to the film's allegorical aspect - across the country. All the while the two of them are pursued by terrorists, as well as the occasional cute dog or cat, which tend to cling to Owen.
Regrettably, the quality of widely released films has degenerated to the point where opening the fucking Departed nationwide its first weekend is considered something of a bold move, which helps explain why Universal dumped this film into select theaters at Christmas. Clearly they had no idea what they had on their hands, since in addition to having a brain, Children of Men is a gripping sci-fi thriller that's almost Spielbergian in its hold on the audience; albeit also in its tendency to nearly undo a few scenes with heavy-handedness or ill-timed wisecracks. Cuarón stages two key, much-talked-about action sequences in long, amazingly choreographed, Steadicam shots, the second of which lasts roughly six minutes and finds Owen running through a warzone on a bad foot and dodging bullets... while also cat juggling (well, they might restore that part in the dvd anyway, as I suspect a more cynical populace will finally embrace the sport by 2027).
One of my favorite details in the film is that despite being set in the future, the music everyone frequently listens to is still dated pre-2006, implying that once young people stopped being born popular music crapped out entirely and the filmmakers didn't have to hire anyone to predict future trends ("How about... Haunted Electrohouse"). In one scene, a radio dj is overheard introducing a "classic" from 2003, a time, he says, when people still didn't comprehend the bleak future they were facing (the Shins evidentally fooled everyone). Meanwhile, Michael Caine's wealthy, hippie cartoonist lives with his near-comatose wife in an isolated cabin and gets down to such golden oldies as Roots Manuva and Aphex Twin in between the Beatles and Stones. Best of all, Owen at one point visits an obscenely rich art collector friend, played by Danny Huston, to ask for a crucial favor. Huston's character has bunkered down at a now progged-out Battersea Power Station along with his hopelessly game-obsessed, medicated son, with such works as Michelangelo's David (now sporting a prosthetic leg) and Picasso's Guernica providing the backdrop for their meals. He also blasts King Crimson throughout the building and has taken advantage of his locale by recreating the cover of Pink Floyd's Animals, complete with inflatable pig, in a permanent tableau outside his window, as seen below.
The Floyd reference is ironic and especially apt, not only because animals seem to pop up in every other scene but because Roger Waters' misanthropic worldview will be well-suited to any of the grimdystopian (hello, Cormac McCarthy, you're not the only hotshot who can randomly combine words) possible futures ahead of us. I guess it could be worse; just imagine if New York were the last city left standing: some zillionaire would no doubt try to recreate Supertramp's Breakfast in America album cover. I don't think any of us wants to imagine that.
Monday, January 29, 2007
Regurgitated movie quiz
In recent years, before New Times Media lately began gutting them, the Village Voice would run the aptly named "World's Hardest Film Quiz" in its pages. I doubt anyone will get upset if I repost one section of the 2004 quiz here for my readers, who I'm guessing haven't seen - or won't remember - this portion, and who I'm putting on the honor system (no googling). Name the film in which these final lines of dialogue are spoken:
1. "She wouldn't even harm a fly."
2. "The day I left, it was written in the almanac: 'The Fire forces the Goldto move. Extremely favorable for going west.' "
3. "Don't shoot—they're in Switzerland." "Good for them."
4. "Its origin, and purpose, still a total mystery."
5. "If not today, then tomorrow, I will have told someone. I can think about escaping after that."
6. "He was a credit to the fight game, to the very end."
7. "Yeah, maybe our fucking orders will come through."
8. " . . . Cannibal."
9. "Won't you leave me a souvenir. Only a small souvenir."
SPECIAL BONUS QUESTION provided by ME:
10. "Alright, Chief, take'em away. I'm gonna go home and sleep with my wife."
Please note that I changed #8 from what originally appeared in print ("...Animal") as I'm certain they were incorrect. Truthfully, I only got #s 3 and 4 right at the time but felt afterward like I definitely should have known 1 & 7. I'll post the answers in the comment section later this week, if anyone actually tries to answer any of these.
1. "She wouldn't even harm a fly."
2. "The day I left, it was written in the almanac: 'The Fire forces the Goldto move. Extremely favorable for going west.' "
3. "Don't shoot—they're in Switzerland." "Good for them."
4. "Its origin, and purpose, still a total mystery."
5. "If not today, then tomorrow, I will have told someone. I can think about escaping after that."
6. "He was a credit to the fight game, to the very end."
7. "Yeah, maybe our fucking orders will come through."
8. " . . . Cannibal."
9. "Won't you leave me a souvenir. Only a small souvenir."
SPECIAL BONUS QUESTION provided by ME:
10. "Alright, Chief, take'em away. I'm gonna go home and sleep with my wife."
Please note that I changed #8 from what originally appeared in print ("...Animal") as I'm certain they were incorrect. Truthfully, I only got #s 3 and 4 right at the time but felt afterward like I definitely should have known 1 & 7. I'll post the answers in the comment section later this week, if anyone actually tries to answer any of these.
Friday, January 26, 2007
Here it is.
The greatest thing that has ever happened to me. And until it hits the marketplace, here is my message for this invention.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
The DVD Box Set of the Year
...will be released May 1. I don't think Criterion could top this if they put out a Magnificent Ambersons box with the original ending and free Orson Welles capes and hats.
From The Digital Bits:
Boy have we got some great DVD news for you film geeks today! ABKCO Films and Anchor Bay Entertainment have just announced a pair of titles that we've been waiting for on DVD since Day One of this format... El Topo and The Holy Mountain! No kidding! Anchor Bay will release a special limited edition collector's box set, The Films of Alejandro Jodorowsky, on DVD on 5/1 (SRP $49.98). The set will contain El Topo, The Holy Mountain and Fando Y Lis on DVD, fully restored and remastered from new HD transfers in anamorphic widescreen video, with Dolby Digital 5.1 and 2.0 audio. The box set will also include 2 music CDs containing the soundtracks for El Topo and The Holy Mountain, as well as a DVD of Jodorowsky's never-before-released first film, La Cravate. El Topo and The Holy Mountain will also be available separately (SRP $24.98 each). The El Topo DVD will contain audio commentary by the director, the original theatrical trailer (with English voice-over), a 2006 on-camera interview with the director as well as an exclusive new interview, a photo gallery and original script excerpts. The Holy Mountain DVD will include audio commentary with the director, deleted scenes with commentary, the original theatrical trailer (with English voice-over), the Tarot short with commentary, a restoration process short, restoration credits, a photo gallery and original script excerpts. Fando Y Lis will include audio commentary with the director and the La Constellation Jodorowsky documentary. Subtitles on the discs will be available in English, French, Spanish and Brazilian Portuguese. Awesome news indeed!
Soundtrack cds! Commentaries! And more! All for under $50! I'm going to put on a loincloth, paint my genitalia and run around the desert in honor of Jodorowsky... AGAIN!
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